A terrorist blows himself up and goes up to Heaven where he sees St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and says, “Are you Mohammed?”
St. Peter says. “No, he’s further up.”
He walks up further and sees Jesus. “Are you Mohammed?”
Jesus says, “No, he’s further up…”
Walks on further and sees God with a big beard. “You must be Mohammed!”
“No,” says God, “I’m God, take a seat. Would you like tea?”
The terrorist sits down and says, “Yes, please, I’d love some tea.”
God calls out loudly “Mohammed! Two teas now and make it quick!”
A very happy couple, on the eve of their wedding day, is killed by two stray bullets in a
robbery gone bad. At the pearly gates they approach St. Peter and ask, “Please, sir, we
were just about to be married, is there any way we can have the ceremony up here?”
“Well,” St. Peter replies, “It’s never been done but I’ll check into it.”
Two hundred years pass and St. Peter calls up the couple and says, “Okay, you can get
A couple of months pass and the happy couple isn’t so happy anymore.
“Please, St. Peter,” the man complains, “my wife is driving me insane. If we weren’t dead
already I’d have to kill her.”
“Okay, okay,” St. Peter replies, “I’ll see what I can do.”
A thousand years pass and St. Peter tracks down the bitterly feuding couple again to share
the good news.
“That’s great sir,” the man exclaims, “but why did it take so long to get married and even
longer to divorce?”
“Well,” St. Peter replies, “it usually takes a long time for a priest to grow old and die.
How often do you think a lawyer gets up here?”
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
“How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
“It looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
“Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?”
“No, it’s turned black..”
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex…
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!