Category Archives: Lawyers

Joke of the day

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers
Amanpreet a bet. “Let’s say we bet $50.”
Amanpreet agrees and they’re off.
They do a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his
ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he said to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four-point penalty,
Amanpreet pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my
ball!!!” he announces.
Jon looks at him. “After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together, you’d
cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon said. “I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your
ball for the last five minutes!”

Joke of the day

In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front
of him. The person turns and asks, “What the hell you are doing?”
“Well,” says the guy massaging your back, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I can’t help
massaging your back. I can’t help practicing my art.”
“Are you crazy?” the other guy said, “Look, I’m a lawyer. Am I fucking the guy in front
of me?”

Joke of the day

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and
disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he
said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”

Joke of the day

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

Joke of the day

[like]

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

The list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues,

“Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.” St. Peter looks in his book and says,

“Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

Joke of the day

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Joke of the day

A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”
Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!”
Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”