What a man should do to keep his wife happy:
1. Make her dinner.
2. Take her out.
3. Send her chocolate and roses for no reason.
4. Tell her how much he loves her.
5. Help around the house.
6. Spend money for no reason except that he loves her.
What a Woman should do to keep him happy:
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.
Speeding ticket? What’s that?
New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
If you’re not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
You can sleep your way to the top.
You can sue the President for sexual harassment. Continue reading
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a man? Because a man who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
A man phoned home from his office and told his wife, “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He went home in a hurry, grabbed everything and rushed off.
A week later, he returned.
His wife asked if he had a good trip.
“Oh yes!” he exclaimed. “But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
His wife smiled and said, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
“Hey, George, did you hear the awful news about John?” The two golfers were talking over a drink in the club bar.
“No what happened to him?”
“Well, he had a great round on Wednesday—under seventy, I heard—anyway, he fi nished early and drove home and found his wife in bed with another man! No questions asked…he just shot ’em both! Isn’t it terrible?”
“Could have been worse,” George commented.
“If he’d fi nished early on Tuesday, he would have shot me!”
Never hire a man to do a woman’s job …….
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!” Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her. I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”
“No,” the CIA man replied. “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home.”
Now they’re down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman……. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother”.
The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message “Bad Command or File Name” is about as informative as
“If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.