Two nuns decide they’re going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the
town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they’ve finally got to head back
to the convent.
To enter the convent’s grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start
crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they’re crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, “I feel like
The second replies, “Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?”
Hillbilly Herman was drafted, and on his first day as an enlisted man, he was given a
comb; the next day the army barber sheared off his hair.
On the third day, he was given a toothbrush; the next day the army dentist yanked several
of his teeth.
On the fifth day, he was given a jockstrap; that afternoon Herman went AWOL.
Because the husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty, the husband
and wife were furiously making love when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door
shut somewhere else in the house.
The husband says, “Oh no! That must be your husband coming home.”
And the wife replies, “No. He’s off in the Navy for six months.”
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
“But, wait a minute,” said the listener, “She’ll have to dress with the boys and shower
with them too. Won’t she?”
“Sure,” replied the man.
“Well, won’t they find out?”
The man shrugged. “But, who’ll tell?”
The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the
Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there’s so much
difficulty in communicating with each other.
The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task
is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps
for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.
The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:
Tell those swabs to:
— Unplug the coffeepots
— Turn off the computers
— Turn out the lights
— Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied
The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
— Assemble the company
— Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
— Take control of all exits
— Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass
The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
— Assemble the platoon and supplies
— Approach the building along three axes
— Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
— Assault the building under covering fire
— Sequester surviving prisoners
— Establish lanes of fire
— Prepare artillery calls
— Repel counterattacks
The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
— Contact real estate agent
— Negotiate 1-year lease
— Be sure to get option to buy
During Marine Corp basic training, one private was being hassled by his drill instructor.
“Well,” snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered recruit, “I suppose after you get
discharged from the Corps, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit
on my grave.”
“Not me, Sarge!” the private replied. “Once I get out of the Marines, I’m never going to
stand in line again!”