A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?”
The man says, “Methodist.”
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?”
“Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?”
“Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”
St. Peter tells him, “Well the Jehovah’s Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.
Yea, that’s a surprise. It seems they had their own wacks at the time:
Bart D. Ehrman, a renowned biblical scholar, makes the charges in his new book “Forged.”
“There were a lot of people in the ancient world who thought that lying could serve a greater good,” says Ehrman, an expert on ancient biblical manuscripts.In “Forged,” Ehrman claims that:
At least 11 of the 27 New Testament books are forgeries.
The New Testament books attributed to Jesus’ disciples could not have been written by them because they were illiterate.
Many of the New Testament’s forgeries were manufactured by early Christian leaders trying to settle theological feuds.
A priest was hearing confession one evening when an elderly gentleman entered the confessional.
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m 80 years old and have been faithful to my wife for all of 60 years of our marriage. That all ended last night when I spent the evening with 2 attractive twins that just moved into our building.”
“Our God is a merciful God. Tell me, when was your last confession?”
“Never. I’m Jewish.”
“Then why are you telling me your confession?”
“Are you kidding? At my age, I’m telling EVERYONE!!”
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
“The word is ‘celebrate’,” said the head monk. Not “celibate”.
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread….’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken….’ we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”
The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread….’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken….’”
Again, the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread…’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken….’” and he leaves.
The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news.
“The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.”
“The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread Account.”
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back
“Revelation 3:20″ and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation “Genesis 3:10″.
Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”
Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.
Brother John entered the “Monastery of Silence” and the Abbott said,
“Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, “Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words.”
Brother John said, “Hard bed.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Abbot said. “We will get you a better bed.”
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. “You may say another two words, Brother John.”
“Cold food,” said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today.”
“I quit,” said Brother John.
“It is probably best, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”