“Well, they said Eliot Spitzer may have spent as much as $80,000 on prostitutes. $80,000, wait a minute, think about it, with the stock market going down, real estate markets crashing, he got a better return than most guys on his money, didn’t he?” –Jay Leno
“What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?” the avid golfer’s wife asked him.
“I was golfing with Tom and Ray, my dear,” replied
“What?” she yelled. “At 2:00 in the morning!?”
“Well, yes,” he explained. “We were using nightclubs.”
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any Italian bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves …. by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this miracle but me.”
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside.
“Jack, I’ve got to confess. I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I’m the
father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a
“Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the one who put arsenic in